Withering Glance: Spanx for the memories
Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, etiquette, culture, relationships, grooming and more.
CP: Some people draw support from their job, or their church or their network of caring friends. me? I get all the uplift I need from an undergarment.
RN: tell me about it. I’m having difficulty drawing a deep breath with this Spanx compression crew-neck T-shirt gripping my torso like a half-Nelson.
CP: I feel like I walked a mile today in my mother’s shoes. One difference was that in the Girdled Ages, the garments she wore to work daily did not have 81 percent cotton-fiber content. It’s amazing how much body-suction Spanx-mistress Sara Blakely has managed to jam into her Spanx with just 19 percent spandex/elastane. If she had gone all the way to 20 percent, I might be in urgent care. this thing is like a very sheer boa constrictor.
RN: I know. I may have just cracked a rib, and I’m thinking that I’ll need to call the police and have them pull out the Jaws of Life to extricate me from this thing. Still, in the beauty-is-pain department, I haven’t looked this trim in 20 years. I bet I could get into a boys’ size 16 shirt.
CP: these would be great if you had a broken rib. but you’d need help getting the T-shirt on and off.
RN: Note that the model on the package appears to have roughly 3 percent body fat. Spanx, shmanx, what the man really could use are a few carbs.
CP: Not sure why, but I don’t think this thing has made me any skinnier.
RN: yes, mr. 31-inch-waist. Whatever.
CP: my pink-plaid cowboy shirt, which I wear only to events where I’m not expected to sit down at all, fits me about the same as always.
RN: but on the upside it has transformed your posture from Quasimodo to danseur noble. did you notice the price? a gulp-inducing $58. although I suppose that’s cheaper than several months of Jenny Craig.
CP: with a few of these in the dresser, you could just quit that expensive gym membership.
